Paranoid

Paranoia is a strange thing .. well actually not strange .. it’s totally crazy !!! It completely messes up your mind and leaves you incapable of doing anything properly.

I have reasons to believe that I might be getting some really bad news today or tomorrow. (No, nobody is dying or anything – its an interpersonal matter).

Things had been slowly deteriorating but I did not want to voice it out hoping that they’ll go away by itself. But all of a sudden, a week ago, in a sudden outburst, it all came out. And not in a good articulate way … In the next few days, it took all my will power to try to steer my mind away from the negative thoughts … after all, its the negative thinking that can mess up even the best of things.

Then .. I got a rather ambiguous clue yesterday that things might be wrong, but I decided not to over think things … and then today something else happened that has not led me to believe that something is seriously wrong — but things could be okay too .. it’s hard to guess.

So, now I’m waiting … looking at my phone, waiting for it to ring, wondering who will be the one to break the news to me. I dont feel like going to bed because it’s early in the morning in karachi and maybe my parents might just be getting the news and they might call me. Or California is two hours behind me and maybe my uncle there would be the one getting this news first … blahhhhh !!!!!

Part of me wants this to end right now so that I can just deal with it and move on … while the other half doesnt want this to happen

How it began ….

So .. it seems a little pathetic that I had to resort to writing an anonymous blog to write about my true feelings.

I do have another blog, that has my real name on it. But when I started that blog a few years ago, I didn’t realize that sometimes I would have to write about stuff that I don’t want some people to read. I (maybe)foolishly advertised the blog to all my friends and family in order to get some readers. But now I feel like I can’t write anything I want because I know people will be judging me. And that blog is almost dead already since I barely write anything on it .. so here’s a new one that nobody will know about…

It’s an exciting feeling … I’ve always fantasized about being totally anonymous where nobody would know what Im doing …. But this blog is only a test run .. if I feel like it’s worth the effort of keeping a separate blog. But lets see ….